Say What You Mean

It’s crazy how twisted communication has become in relationships today.  It is something I am all too familiar with – saying one thing when you really mean something else.  Why am I familiar with it?  I used to be Queen at the “Say What You Think Someone Wants To Hear” Game.  Better yet, I used to not say anything at all for fear that I would hurt someone else’s feelings or because I thought they wouldn’t like me if I was completely honest.

I paid a lot of prices for not being open with my feelings.  I look back on it and I really just had a trunk full of hurts that I didn’t know how to handle.  Instead of being authentic, I would say the congenial thing to say all the while I was seething just below the surface.  All too often, the volcano would erupt on some unsuspecting loved one usually at very inopportune times.

What I understand now is that it is healthy to say “I feel angry about what you just said” or “I am SO mad”.  I may take a risk in harming the relationship and I can tell myself a different story.  Being open and honest is authentic.  Being vulnerable about how I am feeling is being real.

I choose to say what I mean and mean what I say.  I am choosing to be a straight shooter with my words instead of holding on to my feelings until they erupt.  Handling my feelings in a healthy way creates space for others to feel, too.  When I say what I mean, I let go of any resentment I may have.  Sure, I may risk relationship.  That is a chance I am willing to take to stay healthy.

Saying What I Mean

Coach Trudy

I Know

I heard recently one of my mentors call someone out for saying “I know” in response to a feedback comment.  I was in awe how that mentoring comment was delivered.  It drove me to ponder my own language and the preciseness or casualness that I use my words.

As a young child and into my teen years, I used to sing, play piano, play guitar, any combination of these three.  People would offer me a compliment and I would say.  “Oh, but I made so many mistakes, it really wasn’t that great.”  I never learned how to receive a compliment.

Fast forward to the not to distant past, “Trudy, you are passionate about living life, and yet I notice you procrastinate, as well.”  “I know.”  My response could be interpreted that I saw no value in what had just been said to me. Or it could be interpreted that I was in total agreement. When the phrase “I know” is given, it really depends on the intonation, the context, and how it was delivered.

With that all being said, in the context of receiving a compliment or feedback, it can create a blockage or resistance of some kind when you answer “I know”.  Instead of saying “I know”, try saying “thank-you” or “I receive that”.  Whether it is a compliment, a constructive criticism, or a notice being given, receive it and simply say “thank-you”.  Let it settle down into the depths of your “beingness”.

When you compliment someone, you are demonstrating that you think a lot of them. The other person’s response of “I know” or “you’re wrong” might show that they do not think much of you or your opinion of them. Really, the safest reply is “thank you”.

Ponder the use of your language and examine how you use “I know”.

Coach Trudy